DNG S1 Ep 13: Cabaret

Kolleen: Hey kids! Sorry it took so long to get to this. Life, you know? LIFE. It just doesn’t stop happening. Anyway, let’s get right into it, since this episode brings us two episodes away from you- know- who.

Terri is at Ash’s, looking up occult websites, and rudely interrupts Ash’s piano practice to tell her about a protection chant. Terri, PLEASE don’t get mixed up with the devil. Being a teenager is hard enough. Plus, I wouldn’t trust any spell I read about on Google. Anyway, the occult stuff is creeping Ash out and she seems pretty judgey  that Terri picked that topic for her powerpoint presentation for class. She’s just “really into mystic oracles”! Leave her alone.

Ash thinks she has a song down pat– they want to win Cabaret, whatever that is.  She begins to sing really sweetly, like Sarah McLachlan or something. “Tell me how I can be/ All that you ask of me”. It sounds like a hymn, to be honest. A really boring hymn. Terri wants to pick up the pace, but Ash insists the tempo is ~just right~. Shut up, Ash. 43 seconds in and I’m already irritated by her passive- aggressive, bossy attitude.

At school, Paige confronts Terri, saying she wants to hook up for Cabaret. Terri tells her about “Two Girls and a Keyboard”, which is either her act with Ashley, a porno, or a bad NBC sitcom. Terri thinks the song is “blah” and Paige says to insist on a poppier song… and a trio. But when Ash shows  up to homeroom, Terri chickens out, to Paige’s subtle chagrin.

OMG WTF SMDH

OMG WTF SMDH

Meanwhile, Manny and Emma are trying to convince Sean to be a hunter in their environmental- themed interpretive dance. Don’t they understand anything about Sean? He’s a wind animal, a free spirit! Not a hunter wearing a leotard. Also, he doesn’t hunt. Emma is so upset. Of course, Toby volunteers eagerly to be the hunter. What a nerd.

As for Terri’s presentation, all we see is a picture of a Ouija board and all we hear is, “There are many mystical oracles, but Ouija and Tarot are  my favorite. Any questions?” Some presentation. This is the second time I’ve been disappointed in something that had evil- potential but crapped out on me. They could have had a really great subplot here. Possession, exorcism. But wait! Terri has a Ouija board and asks for a volunteer. Spinner jumps at the chance and asks if he is really a super-stud, but Mr. Simpson tells him he’s not and demands he ask a more serious question. Sick burn, Mr. S! They’re really entertaining this Ouija thing. I went to Catholic school; I don’t think I could have gotten away with this. Spinner asks the oracle what his first pet was named. The board spells out R-O-C-K-Y. The supernatural is confirmed.

U-S-U-C-K

U-S-U-C-K

Paige asks Ash if she believes in all this mumbo- jumbo and Ash says yes, because her aunt predicted her grandmother’s stroke by reading tea leaves. Seizing an opportunity to exploit Ashley’s beliefs in the supernatural, Paige conspires with Terri to get “the spirits” to make their duo a threesome. They set up a tarot reading, and ask the spirits to tell them what to do… Terri rigs the game and paige pulls the Three of Rods, which represents “creativity”. Ashley is not happy and even goes so far as to call Terri an “amateur”. None of these people are worth being friends with. Paige is pissed and Ash insists it’s never going to happen, but just as she’s about to get all smug, cute little Manny, who was earlier warned via tarot to watch herself, falls down the stairs. Total Kolleen move, by the way, her ankle just twists for no reason. I’m the world’s biggest klutz.

This was the best screencap I could get :(

This was the best screencap I could get :(

Now Manny’s ankle is broken and she can’t be a panther. This unfortunate accident has Ash convinced, against her better judgement,  that Paige should be allowed to join. She suggests they change their name to “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens”.  Ash suggests “Three Girls and a Keyboard”. They decide to focus on the song first, name later. Good idea. Both those names are horrendous.

Now that Manny has to be a hunter because she can’t dance, Emma tells Toby he has to do the dancing. Toby doesn’t want to, but his love for Emma trumps his burgeoning masculinity.

Paige and Terri converse in the bathroom. Paige is dressed like a stripper and is convinced they’re going to get a record deal. How far does this ‘Cabaret’ reach, exactly? She’s about to tell Terri her ideas for the song when Ash walks in. She’s not having the costume and Terri and Paige have to scheme to get her to see things their way. Terri doesn’t want to mess with the spirits anymore, so they go to Mr. Simpson and beg a synthesizer off of him. Of course he has to take a trip down dementia lane and reference his old (original Degrassi!) band, the Zoo Remedy. “We even had a video!” he says. GAWD. Old people. Anyway he does some fiddling and comes up with an 80’s rendition of the song that Terri and Ash seem to love. Then he makes this face:

"I'm hip, girls. Right??"

“I’m hip, girls. Right??”

Ash overhears them and gets really upset, regardless of the fact that Mr. Simpson didn’t erase the other version and it’s not a big deal. Paige suggests they ask the oracle. This is really dumb, you guys. Why can’t they just talk it out like normal people? Terri pulls the High Priestess card, meaning go with the new… but she hesitates, so does it REALLY mean that?? We’ll have to see (spoiler: no).

At practice, Toby and Emma keep bumping heads, literally. Is there anything more embarrassing to watch than interpretive dance, by the way? Especially when done by dorky adolescents? I am embarrassed for them. Emma cancels practice and Toby is all bummed out.

The day of the Cabaret, Ash tells the girls she did her own research and has learned that High Priestess means stay with the old! Terri says she lied because Ashley never listens to her. I don’t think Ashley is going to perform with the girls, which is good because I haven’t seen them actually practice once the entire episode.

Liberty begins the Cabaret by saying she trusts everyone will behave themselves. What a killjoy she is. Emma’s group is up first and of course, instead of immediately recycling and going vegan, everyone just laughs at them. I would, too, because I am a bully. Even Manny laughs and she’s IN the damned thing. Sean gets up and tells everyone to STFU. He’s a hero! Poor Toby.

Ash refuses to perform and warns them that the oracle is not going to be pleased. “Terri and Paige” (great name, guys) perform and everyone LOVES them. No broken bones, nothing. In the bathroom, Ash has to admit defeat, and they ask her to join the band and Paige suggests they shorted “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens” to PMS, which Ash is grossed out by. Terri’s vote breaks the tie– should she consult the oracle? No! Her days of consulting the oracle are OVER. So she does what every normal person would do– throws her tarot cards away. UH HELLO? This makes me SO MAD. How wasteful! Good tarot cards are expensive. And Terri votes for PMS. Great.

This song legitimately lasted 4 seconds

This song legitimately lasted 4 seconds

As Toby is trying to talk to Emma post- performance , she ignores him to thank Sean and kiss him on the cheek. Toby, just stop! Find someone who isn’t rude as hell AND smitten with someone else. It’s like none of these kids have ever read Miss Manners or something.

Guys. Guys. I can’t anymore with these people. WHERE IS CRAIG? Ugh! Anyway that’s Cabaret– a lot of drama and two performances. God, what an episode. I have a headache.

Letty: I can’t believe that Degrassi hasn’t tackled the common problem of demonic possession.  I mean, I myself  have been possessed at least 5 times, it could be more, who knows, in the past year alone.  It is something that all teens face, much like unrequited love.  GET OVER IT TOBES.  I’ll be tackling next Degrassi episode, which is extremely Sean heavy.  To prepare I’ll be buying an industrial size vat of Clearasil pads.

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